Recognizing Spiraling Down

I am putting out a series of posts getting specific on how to use the Spiral and will give some examples of how it can play out during this challenging time.

I have had several recent posts about the Fog so let’s start with some clarity around what Spiraling Down looks like and how to address it.

SPIRALING DOWN:
Self-Talk

• I can’t do anything anyway

• Nothing will ever change so why bother

• It’s not my problem anyway

• This is not my job

• This won’t work

• This is not my fault

• They don’t get it

• They are doing this to me

• How dare they…

• I am justified to feel this way

• Everyone feels the same as I do

• I am not going to do this or follow-through

Behaviors

• Ignoring that a problem exists

• Pretending everything is hunky dory

• Not addressing the issue directly

• Avoiding or working around someone

• Not including others in conversations

• Saying “yes” in the meeting and “no” outside it

• Meetings after the meeting

• Gossip—seeking others to complain with

• Focusing only on problems not on solutions

• Having “happy hours” that are really bitch sessions

• Sabotaging potential solutions or others

Self-talk will be in the form of statements that become more and more absolute as you further Spiral Down, and your behaviors become more destructive.

Do not confuse people bringing up issues with Spiraling Down. The difference is…are they seeking or offering ideas or solutions or are they only complaining as if it will never get better, they have no role in fixing it and/or blaming others. It is okay to stir the pot, so the bottom doesn’t burn, that is taking responsibility (a Spiral Up behavior).

Here is how to address Spiraling Down…

If it is you Spiraling Down

• Challenge that self-talk. What assumptions are you making about the situation and the others involved? Chances are that is not fully accurate. Assume instead that everyone (including you) are doing the very best they can—because they are.

• Am I exaggerating? Take a look at what your facts actually are. Facts are simple…they are seen, heard, touched, tasted or smelled. Everything thing else is an interpretation of the facts and can be misguided or off-base or just flat out wrong.

• Offer yourself and others some grace but not excuses. This is an extremely challenging experience we are ALL having. Yes, we are in this together AND we will each look at it, experience it, and act upon it, in our individual ways. Lead with empathy and compassion. Do not compare or contrast your feelings, experiences and actions with someone else.

• Get curious. What are other ways you can look at this situation? Get additional perspectives (not commiserating) from others. There has to be more to the story than you know. Seek more information.

• Engage your emotional intelligence. How do you help this situation? What is your BEST response to this situation?

• Bring others together in problem-solving and solution seeking. What are our options? Who else can help or needs to be involved for us to be successful?

• Put to use all those skills you have been learning around productive conflict, dialogue, teamwork, situational leadership…..aren't you glad you paid attention!?

If it is an employee, a colleague, or a friend Spiraling Down

• Meet people where they are. Did I mention empathy and compassion? And grace?

• Listen, listen, listen not only to their words but for what is behind their words. Feelings are real, everyone has them, and not everyone has the same reactions to their situation as you do, or others do. Again, DO NOT compare experiences or feelings.

• Ask, “what are your assuming?” “How else might you look at this?”

• Offer other potential perspectives if they cannot come up with their own.

• Connect them with others that can help in solution seeking—collaborators (not commiserators).

• Ask how they want to be supported? Sometimes we just need to vent a little and then we can get to our “BEST” response. Venting is okay as long as it moves out of that to taking responsibility and solution seeking. Do not take on their issue or their feelings--remember your boundaries.

• Put to use all those skills you have been learning around productive conflict, dialogue, teamwork, situational leadership…..gee where have you heard that before?

Now, this all sounds so easy, right? It isn't! It requires intention, focus, authenticity, and persistence.

How do you see this playing out in your current situation? How best do I support you? (like for real!)

In the next post I will speak to Spiraling Up, what it looks like and how to sustain it.